BIRTHDAY GIRL<3

Positive Vibes, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , ,

Tomorrow’s my birthday! <3

I am so grateful for a year spent learning, loving, and growing. For a year of incredible changes, intensive risks, and wonderful opportunity. For a year of beautiful friendships, new experiences, and the slow, but satisfying, process of self-acceptance and love.

I started recovery from my eating disorder this year. And with that, I started recovery from self-induced punishment, insecurity, and fear. I started recovery from toxic relationships and negative self-talk. I started recovery from black-and-white thinking, chronic anxiety, and perfectionism. I started recovery from my love affair with control.

A recap of some of the best lessons I learned this year:  

I do not have to stay in a relationship just because it feels comfortable and familiar. 

I need to spend time with people who ADD to my life and well-being, rather than those who SUBTRACT from it. 

Self-care does not need to be justified or guilt-inducing. It really is nonnegotiable. 

Happiness is internal, and, like any other skill, it needs to be practiced and channeled regularly. 

Thoughts are subjective; feelings are objective.

I really was not proving anyone anything by working two jobs averaging 45+ hours a week and going to graduate school full-time.

Individuals with special needs make incredible teachers. 

Shame is just the glue connecting experiences with guilt and fear. 

Assertiveness in the workplace makes all the difference. 

Where I once thought strength only existed in holding on, I now realize it exists in letting go.

Taking commitments one day at a time is much easier than signing onto a “forever” commitment. 

Beer can actually taste good. Even great.

There is a difference between existing and living and a difference between doing and being.

When people vent, they tend to want support and empathy, rather than advice or suggestions to “fix it.”

Emotions are real and deserve to be validated, accepted, and embraced.

I can go out with friends and act shameless one night and curl up with a good book the next. Following my intuition and honoring what I want to do is simply the key. 

Sucking it up and buying a Macbook and iPhone was worth it. 

Becoming a therapist has morphed from a mere career decision into a life calling. Every single day, my passion for this field grows.

Spirituality is a beautiful and worthwhile presence.

At the end of the day, the only person responsible for being my best friend is MYSELF.

Blogging can be its own mode of therapy!

Gratitude keeps everything in perspective. 

<3

 

 

 

 

4am, and I’m wide awake

Family & Friends, Mental Health, , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Bee,

It’s 4am, and my thoughts are racing. I feel wide awake, and I have spent the past few hours tossing and turning. Sleep usually isn’t a problem for me. I tend to pass out just minutes after hitting the pillow, but I’m assuming that the huge coffee I devoured at 7pm has been keeping me restless and jittery. 

I am feeling anxious right now. Anxious, because I’m going out of town tomorrow for the weekend, and I have so much to do before then, and I’m nervous it won’t get all done. I don’t know why I have these negative thoughts, especially when I know that it will get done. My Type-A persona will make sure of that.

I am going to Vegas (again) this weekend to celebrate the beginning of summer and my birthday. I am really excited, and I want to hold onto that feeling. Earlier this week, I was experiencing some doubt, namely because I felt so insecure in my body. I am traveling with a gorgeous group of friends. And I’m not just saying that because they are my friends. They are seriously beautiful. And most of them are tiny! I know that I am either going to be in a bikini or a club dress the majority of the time I”m out there, and so, I just have to be accepting of my body for the beautiful and unique one that it is. Easier said than done, sure, but I also know that if I go in with a positive mindset, my subsequent reality will be positive as well. 

I have a therapy session this afternoon too, and I feel anxious about that as well. I have so much to discuss right now, but occasionally when that happens, the content goes in a completely different direction that I intended. Obviously, we can’t focus on everything. Sometimes, I just believe I have hours worth of content squeezed into those sixty minutes, and I feel deprived that I don’t get to explore all of it. But, I know that I’m going to feel much better afterwards. I  think I’m going to stay in therapy long-term, as I consider it a significant investment towards bettering my mental health and overall well-being. I consider it part of my self-care package. Besides, when I start working with clients, I will probably find myself needing it.

4:19am. Feeling somewhat tired, but my mind is still racing. I’ve already practiced deep breathing, counting sheep, and masturbating (TMI, too bad?), but to no avail. 

it’s okay. I am still riding off my gratitude high from earlier. I feel so blessed for all that I have gained this year. Compared to my last birthday, I am a completely different person. My mindset, my goals, my way of thinking towards myself, others, and the world around me. I have encountered difficult pain, but i have grown. I have hurt, but I have preserved. I have taken insane risks, but I have learned how to accept and embrace the changes. 

I often become caught up in the futuristic, end-point destination and dismiss the day-by-day progress and the tiny breakthrough moments. I seek instant results. I want absolute freedom from my eating disorder. I become impatient with the tedious process of taking it one meal, one day, one choice at a time. Knowing I may have to do something for life overwhelms me. And, when I slip, I feel like it’s impossible. Like I’m never going to get better. Like I’m making no progress. All of that is false, and I know that. My attitude, behaviors, and thoughts about my eating disorder are changing on a daily basis.

As stated in a previous post, my wish for myself is to cherish and live in the present moment. To acquire mindfulness. To counteract my ego and just ride on the tidal wave that is life. 

For today, I am going to give myself the gift of enjoying each breath and moment in time for what it is: an irreplaceable, once-in-a-lifetime one. 

DON’T TELL ME NOT TO FEEL SAD.

Positive Vibes, Mental Health, , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Bee,

For this moment, I can accept you. For this moment, I am okay, and I am happy with myself. That’s not to say it has been an easy day. This morning was rough. I resented you. I was tired of dealing with you. I went to an OA meeting, and I basically spent four minutes sharing my frustration and anger over having an eating disorder. 

And then, I ate lunch with some people from OA, and felt sickishly overjoyed for being the skinniest one among them. I liked being able to eat without feeling judged, because hey, I was the thin one. I was the healthy one. I was the “sane” one. 

That was all you, Bee. That was your logic that my problem must not be real enough. I hate that I feel inferior to people skinnier to me and that I feel superior to those who are not.

My ex-boyfriend has been on my mind all week. I have so many urges to call him. I just want to see what he’s doing. It doesn’t bother me that I miss him, but it does bother me that I feel guilty for missing him. That I feel guilty for feeling lonely, sad, or regretful. That I feel guilty over wanting to know what he’s doing. 

Guilt represents an underlying theme that maintains my distorted thinking and distress. People have always invalidated my feelings, which probably instilled this rigid notion that feelings are bad. For example, I told various people about my missing my ex. What were the responses I received? Well, you’re so much better off! Look how far you’ve come! He didn’t deserve you. You’re so much happier now. Don’t be sad!

For two days, nobody could empathize, support, or even acknowledge that my feelings were real. Nobody could just say, that must be rough. It’s okay that you’re sad. Nobody even asked why I thought I might be feeling this way. I was expressing my frustration to my sponsor this morning, and, bless her soul, she put her hand on mine, and said, I’m giving you permission to feel all those things. Your feelings are real. Sit with them. Honor them. They are there for a reason. 

This was so refreshing to hear. Someone who was NOT trying to fix me. Someone who was NOT telling me that I was a bad person or “wrong” for feeling those emotions. Later, a good friend told me something similar. She said, it’s normal to feel these things. You don’t have to explain or justify them. People go through this. You don’t have to feel guilty for wanting to talk to him or wanting to miss him. You can’t help how you feel.

I know I developed an eating disorder because I struggled with acceptance. Acceptance of uncomfortable feelings. Acceptance of my whole self. Acceptance of reality and its messy, unpredictable ways. I wanted to control my feelings, control my body, and control the world.

I struggle to accept happiness, because I compare myself to people who are far worse than me. I struggle to accept sadness, because I compare myself to people who are far better off than me. I invalidate my own feelings, and in turn, I experience guilt for having emotions. But, feelings are healthy. Feelings are real. Feelings are ours, and they are spontaneous, beautiful, and meaningful. And yet, I have spent years denying myself of them. I have stuffed them down. I have ran them off. I have starved and binged them. 

I have focused on behaviors. I have focused on thoughts. But I rarely considered my emotions. I hardly think to ask myself, how do I feel right now? Or, what feelings does this bring up for me? 

And now that they are all resurfacing, it can become overwhelming. That’s okay. This is where the growth happens. This is where the realizations and transformations occur.

I thank the universe every single day that I am on the road of recovery, and that, even though I may be young and relatively inexperienced, I am creating a life worth living. 

This afternoon, I was sitting at a coffee shop finishing my last paper of the semester. I struck conversation with the girl sitting next to me. She was also studying, and she lamented on the fact that she had no idea what she was doing with her life. I encounter this often. Most people my age don’t know what they want to do, and even more, I see people of all ages unfulfilled and unsatisfied with their lives. So many of us are just waiting…eternally waiting for something to just click or happen…are we living lives in eternal limbo? 

I never want to live that way. I know I am fortunate. I knew I wanted this career path for years, and everyday, I feel more satisfied, rejuvenated, and passionate about it. But, even more so, life is so much greater than our career paths. I don’t ever want to be unsatisfied. I don’t ever want to feel unfulfilled. There are far too many ways to generate that satisfaction and find that fulfillment.

What if we all believed we were meant to be happy, joyous, and free? What if these were nonnegotiable? How would we live then? How would we live without the bondage of fear holding us back? How would we live without the choke-hold of preoccupation and obsession? How would we live in a world absent of our own desires to control?

All I can say is, I know I have a purpose in this world. And I know I’m damn well going to rock the life I have. 

May I Cherish and Live in the Present Moment

Overeaters Anonymous, Positive Vibes, , , , , , ,

Dear Bee,

Yesterday, in one of my classes, we went around the room and expressed one wish we had for ourselves. May I cherish and live in the present moment. That was mine. This has always been a struggle for me, long before I developed an eating disorder. I grew up believing that we were always working towards something greater and that delayed gratification generated better future results. People who lived in the moment were impulsive and poor planners. They clearly didn’t know how to think in advance. 

Now, I know that my thinking was absolutely narrow-minded and somewhat detrimental. There is nothing inherently wrong with planning ahead, but when you are so occupied with the gifts of tomorrow, you never actually enjoy the life you have today. And so, that’s a goal I am going to work on. And because abstract goals rarely get achieved, here are a few ways I intend to work on it: Stimulate more mindfulness throughout the day, especially during those “mundane” activities, such as walking, getting ready, cleaning. Practice eating without distractions. Spend as much time as I can outside, as this naturally boosts my soul. Leave bigger gaps in my schedule to fill up with whatever I like, rather than micromanage every moment of my time. Oh, and use less technology of all sorts. 

So, we’ll see how it goes this summer in experimenting with this. 

Last night, a woman from an OA called me while I was wrapping up classes. Except for my sponsor and a few supportive texts from others, nobody has ever actually called me. When my class was over, I called her back. For those in the dark, OA thrives on its fellowship, in that members reach out to one another via phone, email, etc. during times of need. You are encouraged to contact people “before you take that first compulsive bite.” I’ve obviously lagged in this department, as I never call anyone on those phone lists!

This woman was in somewhat of a crisis-mode, and she just needed to talk. And I talked to her. For about twenty minutes. To protect her anonymity, I won’t go into the specifics, but by the time we got off the phone, she was settled down and emotionally stable. And I was listening to my own words, my own sound advice and genuine empathy, and wondering why I could not apply the same kindness and gentleness to myself. Such hypocrites we often are. We are so willing to forgive others for their mistakes and overlook their flaws, and yet, we allow our mistakes and flaws essentially to define us! 

While I was on the phone with her, I saw a shooting star. A shooting star in California?! I’ve only seen about three or four in my life. Thank you for that sign. 

I’m going to a meeting in about an hour. And since it’s sunny, I’ll be spending the bulk of my day outdoors. I’ll also be shopping and having lunch with one of my best friends. I’ll try to make a yoga or pilates class later. And I’ll also be studying for my last final of the year.

Good vibes. :)  

rambling about my ex, eating disordered clients, and revealing my identity

Dating, Sex, & Intimacy, Slips, Setbacks, & Mistakes, Therapist-in-Training, Triggers, , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Bee,

I can’t believe I’m still writing to you. Honestly, you’re insane. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I did eat a little bit ago. I don’t know if it constitutes as a binge, but it certainly wasn’t food I needed. I’m eating things I don’t even like. I’m hiding wrappers and sneaking around. I can smell the food on my fingers. That’s disgusting. Why am I reverting to this?

I’m just tired. I’m thinking of my ex-boyfriend, too, and that’s a huge indicator that I’m slipping. I literally just looked at a bunch of pictures of us…and now, of course, I want to call him. It’s been months. And I broke up with him. But both of our birthdays are coming soon, and weirdly, I’m finding that extremely triggering.

Breaking up with him was one of the best decisions I ever made for himself, and yet, I feel lonely right now…but, why don’t I want health? Why don’t I want happiness right now? Why don’t I want to continue moving forward? 

Oh, and on that note: it still amazes me how people actually believe eating disorders are just diets, trends, attention-seeking fads, or even choices at all. Sure, there are reasons why I have what I have, but I can assure anybody that I didn’t fucking choose any of this. 

A few weeks ago in class, my professor was discussing the challenges of working with eating disordered clients. Excuse my language, but no fucking shit. We over-complicate like it’s our jobs.  One day, everything feels GREAT and we’re all RECOVERY, RECOVERY, RECOVERY.  We’re on top of the world, and we think to ourselves, we got this. Next meal, everything is scary and out-of-control and triggering and it all feels hopeless. We’re known to be liars, manipulators, and mentally unstable. We’re also known to be charming, intelligent, and hyper-vigilant. We over-achieve, and we people-please. We like our rigidity, our black-and-white worlds, and our control. Oh God, we LOVE our control. We are completely disillusioned by our own distortions, and even though we fully realize it, we often feel like we cannot and will not stop.

We hate the bodies that others call beautiful. We fear the food we once ate with reckless abandon. We become prisoners of the mind and slaves to the disease. We try and we try and we try and it never feels good enough…we wonder what recovery will feel like, and we wonder if we will be the blessed warrior who makes it, or if we will be the drowning swimmer who falls through the cracks, living the same lie, telling the same story, until he or she slowly and painfully wilts away.

If someone had told me I would have developed an eating disorder, I would have laughed. Eating disorder? Not me. No way. I could have understood a mood or anxiety disorder or maybe even alcohol or drug dependency, as I was raised under the impression that one drink or hit could induce lifelong dependency. But an eating disorder? Please. I wasn’t that narcissistic. I once believed every one of those myths: that those with eating disorders were just seeking attention and had low-self-esteem, that they just needed to eat and/or stop throwing up, and that they were essentially stupid. 

My ignorance is simply representative of our society, and it sickens me. No wonder people are afraid of treatment. No wonder recovery is such a scary term. No wonder so many professionals refuse to even work with eating disorders. We are a chaotic, unpredictable, erratic, and emotional bunch. For so long, I feared I wouldn’t be taken seriously. And now that I am being taken seriously, I fear that, too. I want the attention, and when I get it, I seek to isolate. I want recovery, and when I get a taste of it, I self-sabotage. I think I fully understand the ferocity that is my eating disorder, and then it turns around and stabs me.  

Cunning, powerful, and baffling: the Anonymous community didn’t come up with those words for no reason. 

I am weight-restored, in good physical health, and motivated, which puts me at a slight advantage for professional treatment, but at the same time, I can see how I am one frustrating individual to work with. I’m hyper-intelligent and analytical, but I struggle to even identify with my emotions. I am incredibly black-and-white with my progress. If it’s going well, I assure everyone it’s going AWESOME, and if it’s getting shaky, I assure everyone IT’S SO FUCKING DIFFICULT. Again, eating disordered individuals can be exhaustive.

And yet, I know I will work with these clients one day. 

I don’t know when that will be, and it doesn’t matter right now, but I just know my recovery will guide someone else’s one day. And maybe that’s my motivation right now. 

Because I GET IT. Because I’m living it. Day after day. I understand the ups and downs, the fears, the anxieties, the mood swings, the body bashing, the isolation, the overwhelming thoughts, the negative self-talk, the confusion, the pain, the questioning, the absolute, sheer bewilderment.

We all deserve someone who can unconditionally support and BELIEVE in us. There is a reason I am on this path that I am now. 

The other day, I was thinking about this blog and its tremendous growth over the past few months since I made it public. I thought about revealing my identity because I felt like a fraud for hiding behind a screen. But, I thought about those future clients. The ones I want to work with. And I remembered why I have to stay anonymous. I’m beyond worrying if anyone in my personal life knows about my struggles, because many of them do. Some people who follow me on here are friends with me on Facebook, so they know more about me, and that’s cool, too.  I am no longer ashamed of who I am.

 But, because I will be emerging in the mental health sector as a therapist very soon, I simply can’t afford to have such raw information this accessible. Not while I’m this active in my disorder, anyway. Besides, deep-down, I know that coming out on a blog is just another way for me to seek validation and approval.

My ability to help others is far more sacred than any virtual eating disorder-related attention will ever be. Besides, all that attention can be a double-edged sword. It almost creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Too often, we are put on a pedestal, and we often fall down a few notches just to PROVE to others that they were wrong for placing us there. 

 

 

This was such a random post. I just intended to jot down a few words…I just need to go to bed. 

Stop Triggering Me!

Triggers, , , , , , , ,

Dear Bee,

Your voice is so loud right now. I swear. I’m TRYING to do all that I can to tune you out, but it’s hard. It’s so hard. You have an annoying voice right now; one that’s as demanding as it is seductive. You’re beating me up, and I’m letting it happen. I just stared in the mirror and you picked at EVERY flaw. And I believed you! You’re telling me I don’t have to fight you. You want to take the pain and sadness away. You want to remove the edge. You promise to remove the anxiety and fear. I can just jump on over to your bandwagon, because you’re going to take care of me. And we can start over recovery tomorrow. 

Ugh. 

I know why I’m triggered. Over the past few days, my food has been “messy,” and that makes me anxious, because I like it “perfect.” I am procrastinating some work that i have to do. I am feeling insecure with my body. I have some anxiety about the future. 

I just have to remember: 

You are distortion. You are the collection of my negative self-talk and nothing else.

The growth emerges from the pain.

Everything in recovery is practice for “tests” like this one. I am prepared. I have studied. I know what to do. I don’t have to run away just because I have test anxiety. 

And when all else fails, I just have to show up and “act as if.”

The freedom comes from learning to be comfortable with the uncomfortable.

The feelings WILL pass. The urges WILL pass. 

I am allowed to feel, and I’m allowed to think, but it’s what I DO that matters right now.

So, yeah. That’s where we’re at right now. I recognize you are absolutely appealing to me right now. Compared to the “recovery” side, the grass looks far greener with you. But I know that’s an illusion. You are comfort. You are familiarity. You are temporary escape. I know you are able to paint whatever picture I may need at a given moment, whereas I only have a fuzzy picture of what recovery looks like.

 You are tempting, yes, but you are also desperate.

 I know EXACTLY how I will feel if I walk over to you.

Two can play this game, but only one will win, and this time, it’s going to be me.

 

 

Onto the positive coping skills…hopefully these go well. 

For my mother.

Family & Friends, , , , , , , , ,

Dear Bee,

I loathe when you come around on Mother’s Day, but right now, I’m ignoring you, because that woman has given me more than you ever have and ever will. As a gift to her, I refuse to give into you. As much as I want to. My mom hurts when I hurt, and by engaging or even listening to you, I am choosing to hurt myself. 

I don’t know if I’ll ever fully understand how much my eating disorder has hurt my mother, but  I can’t imagine the pain I would feel watching my child suffer from such a complex and mental disease. She tries to help; she is willing to go at any length, and I am so grateful for that. I just have to get over the fear that letting her in more will hurt her more. Because it will hurt. No mother wants their child to suffer. But I know if my daughter was in pain, I would want to know. I would want to help her in the best way I could. 

Two weeks ago, I cried about my mother in therapy. The first time I ever cried in session. I was talking about her telling me she was willing to do anything to help me on this recovery journey. And I was telling my therapist how guilty I felt for her selflessness. How much I felt like I was constantly letting her down, even if she did not realize it, because I am still hurting myself, because I am still in the clutches of my eating disorder. 

As cliched as this sounds, my mom is my role model. She has always been my rock and anchor, my support system and my confidante. I feel safe around her. I feel loved and nourished. She is so good to me. Selfless and kind. Grateful and compassionate. I am not the only one who thinks highly of her. People love my mother. My friends come over and sit and talk to her for hours. Her coworkers rave about her. She is just one of those women who exhibits such an intricate balance of strength with selflessness.

I could ramble on about the life lessons I have learned from her, but I think one of the most important ones that has always resonated with me is: I’ll give you what you need. And needs are different from wants. Growing up, it was hard to distinguish the two, as I obviously wanted everything.

My parents did not spoil me. They were budget-conscious, even though they made decent money. I was aware of how much things cost and how to manage finances from a young age. My mother taught me to be humble and grounded: we never flashed money. We never salivated over materialistic or designer goods. We traveled to foreign countries but drove beat-up used cars. We went on family outings but wore jeans from the clearance rack. 

I am still this way. I prioritize my needs and limit my wants. People tell me this about recovery: sometimes, you gotta do what you need to do, even if it’s what you don’t want to do. You will get what you need, even if it’s not what you want. 

What do I need to do right now? I need to enjoy my family. And enjoy all the blessings I have in my life, because there are so, so many. I need to tune you out, because you are trying to tell me that I’m not worth all these wonderful fortunes. And you are trying to hold my hand and lead me into your dark abyss of anguish and turmoil. That path only goes one way: into the one that inevitably leads to guilt, self-loathing, disappointment, helplessness, hopelessness, utter fear, and pain. Why would I want to go there? 

No. I’m going back to my mom. Back to the person who spent nine months holding me and several more years loving, teaching, and guiding me. She didn’t go to all those lengths only for me to hurt myself the way I want to right now. 

Realizing how few “safe” foods I actually have.

Intuitive Eating, , , , , , , , ,

Disclaimer: Even though I usually steer away from discussing specific foods in my blog, this post is full of them. Content, therefore, may be triggering to some of my readers. 

Dear Bee,

I text my sponsor my food everyday. Yesterday, we were talking more about abstinence and food plans, and she mentioned how healthy and clean I eat. She’s right. I do eat healthy and clean. I always have. And compared to her other sponsees (who are all overweight, as far as I’m concerned), I obviously eat less than they do.

Even as a child, while I begged my parents for Happy Meals as much as the next kid, I was also the strange one who actually liked my fruits and vegetables.  But, I was an extremely normal eater. I didn’t think about food except when I was eating it (or when I knew something “special” like birthday cake or an ice cream party was coming up). I don’t recall many times where I was “overly starving” or “overly full.” I just ate food, because well, we were supposed to eat food. That’s it. Emotions weren’t connected to the act of eating just yet. 

Obviously, it’s different now. I know I have my “safe” foods, which I don’t feel triggered eating. At least half, if not all, my meals in a day come from these “safe” foods. What’s safe for me? Most vegetables (although sweet and baked potatoes vary), most fruits (although bananas and avocados can be triggering), any source of veggie protein like tofu, tempeh, and beans, Greek yogurt, eggs (though I prefer egg whites), cheese (this used to be a huge “unsafe” food when I avoided eating dairy), oatmeal, bread (absolutely depends on the kind, though), coffee, almond milk, tea, diet sodas (sometimes).

Wow. I can’t believe how limited that list is…everything else, therefore, falls into the “iffy” or “triggering” category. 

What happens when I eat these “non-safe” foods? Usually, although not always, I feel anxious, even when eaten in appropriate servings. The feelings range from guilt, preoccupation, or happiness (that I was able to eat it, without feeling triggered). I am slowly trying to reintroduce these unsafe foods without bingeing on them. I don’t want to “fear” something as neutral as ingredients, but right now, it is somewhat daunting.

I feel better when I eat them out with friends or in a restaurant. For example, I’m usually okay with eating a cookie that someone gives me. But if there is a fresh batch at home, I feel much more triggered. Last night, for example, I went to the movies with a friend, and he bought some candy. I wasn’t hungry for it, so I didn’t buy any for myself. But I also didn’t buy any, because I knew that I like candy, and I would likely eat the entire box.

So, here’s the question: Was I being smart in avoiding a potential trigger, or was I engaging in my disorder by avoiding a food out of fearing it?

I like volume. That sounds really strange, but I am comforted by the idea of being able to eat “a lot” of healthy food vs. “a little” unhealthy food. I like being able to get full the “healthiest” way I can, meaning I will often bulk my meals with water or extra vegetables just to get that extra feeling of fullness. 

Ugh. As I reread that last paragraph, I can see the bright, red DISORDERED sign blaring. 

But, I mean, let’s look at certain foods. Trail mix? Honestly, who the fuck is satisfied with 1/4 cup of anything? Uh. Nobody. That’s who. And ice cream? 1/2 cup? Are you kidding? That’s like one teeny scoop. And Pop-tarts. Those little devils are ridiculous, and each package has 2 servings. And I’d love to know WHO exactly plans on just eating one Pop-tart.

So, is this more of a fear of the actual food, or just me being smart and choosing to eat a balanced and nutritious diet? If, for example, I know that I won’t be physically satisfied with one bowl of cereal, why should I bother eating it? Why put myself in that kind of tempting mindset? Obviously, avoidance isn’t the best tactic, as fearing food isn’t normal either. I had to spend an hour convincing myself last week that I didn’t HAVE to feel guilty after eating ONE brownie. I love how when I’m in binge-mode, I can eat a dozen, but when I’m NOT in binge-mode, just one can send me into a mental tailspin. 

Black-and-white thinking. I’m well aware. 

I realize that even though compulsive overeating and bingeing remains the core root of my eating disorder, I obviously have restrictive tendencies. And this is probably WHY I binge. Whatever we resist will persist! Eventually, those urges become unbearable, and I just shift into “fuck it” thinking.

Before I even knew the name, I definitely went through an orthorexic phase a few years ago, where I refused to eat anything that wasn’t “clean.” And I thought I was some health warrior. I looked down on my friends eating their chips or candy. Didn’t they know they were going to die of cancer? Of course, this holier-than-thou thinking fed right into my eating disorder, but I do believe that even in recovery, I won’t be tossing back Oreos, even when I do feel “safe” eating them. 

Anyway, for this week, I’m making the commitment to eat at least one appropriate portion of an “unsafe” food each day. Today, I had a small ice cream cone. It is warm outside; I was with my brother; ice cream sounded good. I let myself have that, and that is progress. 

Eventually, I hope to be able to eat without overanalyzing, obsessing, or dwelling on my food choices. This is mindfulness to me. That is freedom to me. 

What I Think Recovery Will Feel Like

Mental Health, , , , , , , , , , ,

03/09/2012

I feel that if the problem hasn’t gone away by summer, I will seek counseling.
That is my promise to myself.

Dear Bee, 

That’s the funny thing about you. And it’s a lesson I’m grateful to have learned early on. You don’t just “go away,” because eating disorders don’t just disappear with willpower and blind faith alone. That’s why they are categorized as mental illnesses instead of diets. Mental illnesses instead of developmental phases. Mental illnesses instead of lifestyle changes. 

There is much scientific debate and controversy about this idea of achieving recovery or being “in recovery”, and my therapist actually asked me the other day, What do you think recovery will feel like?

I started, Well I know it’s different for everyone, to which, she replied, I’m not concerned about everyone. What do you think it will feel like for YOU? 

I don’t remember exactly how I worded it to her then, but it’s on my mind right now.

I think, first and foremost, recovery brings a sense of balance, in that it diminishes the preoccupied thoughts and obsession surrounding the disorder. It honors the gray area, blurring the rigid black-and-white thinking. Recovery offers hope, in a quiet whisper at first, that life can be more than an eating disorder or the absence of an eating disorder. And then, I imagine the hope just deepens into this warm security blanket, into something we don’t have to worry about losing so long as we keep it on our beds.

Recovery will always be a gift, and, because of that, I know I cannot take any of its miracles for granted. It ultimately comes down to acceptance: acceptance of what I choose to eat or not eat, acceptance for what I look or don’t look like. But accepting food and my body are just at the tippy-top of the surface. These are what I thought the eating disorder was about. However, it goes so much deeper: true recovery means having the WILLINGNESS to release perfectionism, let go of control, and essentially “grow up.”

You, Bee, are the representation of my neglected and fearful inner child. You are the manifestation of my negative feelings of unworthiness and insecurity. Recovery means knowing that your voice is a part of me. Some days, that voice may be loud. Other days, it may be quieter. Can I expect for it to disappear entirely? At this point in time, that seems unrealistic. For right now, I know you are manageable. I know you can be at any corner, waiting for me. I know what places, people, and things tend to bring you out of the shadows. I need to be aware of your presence, but more importantly, I need to have action-orientated mechanisms to cope with you during times of stress.

Recovery will feel amazing. It will be one of the hardest things I ever do, but the rewards will be worth any of the obstacles. The gratitude will be immeasurable. Recovery will bring freedom, in the sense that I will no longer feel any need to live a life driven by compulsion or anxiety. Recovery will allow room for mistakes, but recovery will simply view them as a slight flare, rather than as a slide to continue spiraling downwards. Recovery will allow me to deepen my relationships with myself, with others, and with the entire world.

Recovery will show me that I absolutely needed to go through every hardship, setback, struggle, helpless cry, angry plea, mindless rant, terrifying risk, impossible obstacle, leap and bound. Recovery will prove that every single one of those was absolutely worth it. 

Diet pills, flat stomachs, and body bashing

Family & Friends, , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Bee,

It’s almost summer. I am surrounded by diet talk. This becomes an inevitable trend around this time of year. I firmly believe there is a direct correlation between increased temperature and increased body insecurity. Diet talk embodies a social facilitation effect. It is rampant and contagious, starting on the elementary school playgrounds and muttered in the circles of elderly ladies. Girls complain about their bellies, their breasts or lack of breasts, their thunder thighs and flabby arms, their cankles and back fat and rolls.

Does it ever end? I don’t know. I consider diet talk a cultural phenomenon. In a sick way, it unites women. Body bashing give us common ground, something to talk about, something to obsess over. Unlike men, women do not like to brag about themselves; we are not inherently taught to be arrogant. Rather, we remain modest at our best and critical at our worst.

Despite having an eating disorder, I never really engaged in much of this body bashing. Maybe, I opted from publicly drawing attention to my appearance, out of fear that someone else would notice, and God forbid, agree with my statements. I’ve listened to friends do it my entire life. They complain and vent only to receive the standardized chorus of responses, you’re beautiful or no, you have a great body or you don’t need to even worry. 

As if any of that ever resonated with them!

Today, one of my close friends started a diet pill regime. Seriously. I recognize I am in absolutely NO place to judge or be self-righteous, as I have CLEARLY done enough turmoil to my body to last a lifetime…but still, my immediate reaction was, she is so stupid. Would I have felt this triggered if I wasn’t dealing with my own eating disorder? I’d like to think not, but I’d also like to think this shows that I am still PROFOUNDLY influenced by people talking about weight loss or taking extreme dieting measures.

Another friend is on a mission to get in shape. This girl has a natural thin build with a body most people would consider flawless. She calls it skinny fat. She eats, in her own words, whatever the fuck I want. That same kind of mantra represents the essence of her life. I’ve never seen a woman so intuitive, and I must admit I try to emulate some of her free-spirited approach to balance. And yet, her quest to “get in shape” because she just wants a “flat stomach” (even though it is) for summer bothered me. Probably because it threatened me. Being aware of these feelings (jealousy, anxiety, resentment) is wonderful. Changing the thoughts (realizing that she is allowed to have her own needs and desires and whatever she does with her life does not need to influence the way I live mine) is even better. Constructively coping with these feelings and thoughts is golden. 

I also ran into an old friend from college at the gym today. I approached him, and he said he had seen me from a distance, but wasn’t sure if it was me. After I hugged him, he said, you look like you’ve lost a lot of weight! You look good! 

This statement, which was naturally meant to be a sincere and harmless compliment, triggered in so many ways. The initial feelings were anxiety, resentment, happiness, humiliation, and shame. Quite a cocktail.

Then came the thoughts. Was he hitting on me? Did I really look that different from when he saw me last? (keep in mind, I spent years offsetting my bingeing and compulsive overeating with a very “clean” and somewhat restrictive diet and compulsive overexercising regime. My weight has not dramatically fluctuated since he last saw me, although it is possible that the shape of my body has. I have always remained in the normal range.

And, finally, my last thought was hey, who cares what he thinks of your weight. Why don’t you just ignore that and listen to the “you look good part?” 

 Because I can and will believe that! 

Eating disorders are mental illnesses. Yes, they distort the way we perceive our bodies and weights, but I don’t look at myself and see an obese person. I may not always be 100% comfortable in my own skin, and there are definitely situations where I feel “fat” (which is not a feeling, by the way), but for the most part, I appreciate my body. My eating disorder started with the dieting mentality. As it progressed, it simply became a coping mechanism: it became a way for me to obtain perceived control and suppress uncomfortable feelings. 

I have a distorted reality of food. I understand and accept that.

But, I think as a society, we need to really focus on this whole body-bashing epidemic. I have so many friends with no history of eating disorders who hate their bodies. And this just devastates me. Today, my friend (the one taking diet pills) told me she just wants to feel confident in a bikini for once. She said she’s never liked her body. This girl knows about my recovery process. She believes thinness will make her happy, and I can’t blame her for that! We are practically engrained with the message that the perfect body will provide us with the perfect relationship, job, life, etc. It is insane. If you don’t have an eating disorder, chances are, you are on some kind of diet. It is practically a developmental requirement. People are either on a diet or planning on starting a diet…tomorrow. 

Thinking about it, I have never met a female who has never been on a diet. I would love to know how and why they were able to avoid that societal message.